19. Edinburgh-Heathrow (British Airways): there had been a lot of talk in the news prior to this about BA’s cabin crew going on strike. If my experience on this trip was anything to go by, then I would’ve happily sacked the whole lot of them and started again. The first issue I had came at Edinburgh Airport, where the automatic ticket machine didn’t recognise my Amadeus booking number. I asked one of the staff for help, and was helpfully informed that my booking didn’t exist. Not really what I wanted to hear. We got it sorted out though, and I passed it off quickly. These things happen. Once on board and in the air, it was soon time for the drinks service. Mindful of the fact that I was at a very early stage of a particularly long journey, I was happy with just a mineral water for now, and told the steward as much. So he handed me a small, dark bottle and went on his way. It was the strangest, fanciest-looking bottle of mineral water I’d ever seen, but I opened it anyway, and discovered it was actually red wine. Easy mistake to make, they probably sound very similar when ordering…said nobody ever. And although red wine is very much my alcoholic Achilles heel, I could hardly waste it now that it was open, and I sipped it as quickly and painlessly as I could.
20. Heathrow-Singapore (British Airways): We had arrived at Heathrow in light snow, and were directed to a stand well away from the terminal. Buses were already waiting for us outside; unfortunately, there were no stairs to disembark with. These finally arrived around twenty minutes after landing, and we eventually made it to the terminal, where the mother of all queues waited for us at security control (despite having just arrived from another UK airport, we still had to go through security for some reason?). By the time I was in the terminal, I was in real danger of missing my flight, and had to run a fair distance to get to my gate, only to find the flight was delayed by an hour due to a catering issue. Also, I noticed that it was a BA aircraft, despite being advertised as a Qantas/BA codeshare.
When we finally boarded we had to wait almost an hour for the aircraft to be de-iced before departure, meaning that the air-conditioning had to stay switched off. Mercifully, we were finally in the air, almost two hours behind our departure time, which the captain assured us we would make up for en-route. Knowing that we had only the briefest fuel-stop in Singapore, I didn’t see how that was going to happen. I decided not to worry about it, the cockpit crew knew what they were doing, so I might as well concentrate on the in-flight entertainment. This was harder than I thought though, as it turned out one side of my seat-back screen was completely blank. Try as I might, I couldn’t get the thing working, so I reluctantly pressed the call button on my seat for one of the cabin crew. During the next five minutes, two of them walked past without seeing the light above my seat, before I practically had to grab the purser in passing to get her attention. After establishing that she couldn’t fix it either, she explained that normally I would be moved to another seat, but that was impossible tonight as the flight was full. But she offered to get me some magazines if that would help, at which point I had to laugh. It would have to be a damn good magazine to entertain me for the next eleven hours. I did have a book in my bag, but Deborah Curtis’ ‘Touching from a Distance’ wasn’t the most cheery subject matter for a long flight. But she promised to reset the system, and see if that would make any difference. Ten minutes later she returned, realised nothing had changed, and after an awkward pause, indicated my beer can and asked if maybe she could get me a couple more of those. There didn’t seem much else for me to do, so I agreed. She did promise that she would get it looked at during our stop in Singapore, though I couldn’t imagine a problem like this being fixed in a thirty-minute fuel stop.
By the time dinner service came around, I was desperate for something else to look at other than empty beer cans and the backs of other people’s heads. As the crew made their way down the cabin, I heard them offering a choice of chicken or fish. At least, until they got to the row in front of me, when the choice changed to just fish. When they served me, I explained that I didn’t like fish, so maybe I could just have the tray without the entree and just settle for the starter and dessert. The fruit salad was crap. The chocolate pudding was also crap.
21. Singapore-Sydney (British Airways): I don’t know why I thought my seat-back screen would be miraculously fixed during a half-hour fuel stop, but it was still annoying to come back on board the plane and find it was still buggered. More annoying still, a new crew had been rotated onboard, and I had to go through the whole exercise of notifying them, letting them reset the system, explain that there were no other seats available and offer me a magazine and another beer instead. At least this time the purser gave me a complaint form to fill out, which wouldn’t help me tonight, but would help them in the long-run. I never heard any subsequent reply from customer services, despite solemnly promising me as much at the end of the form, (which surprised me not one iota). I did, however, make a mental note to label the airline a useless shower of pricks on social media at the first available opportunity.
22. Sydney-Melbourne (Jetstar): I already knew what to expect from Jetstar, and I was looking forward to flying down to Melbs to catch up with Christine on our ‘anniversary’. Despite being a budget flight where I had to buy my own food and drink on board, and which landed around a hundred miles from my actual destination, it still shat all over the service on my previous flight from a great height.
23. Adelaide-Perth (Jetstar): I’m sure this flight was a Sunday, but how do you tell in Adelaide? My host kindly drove me out to the airport, and I was on my way to Perth with the minimum of fuss. I had a mother and her young son sitting beside me on the way, and as we started our descent, I was kind enough to give up my window seat to the kid so that he could enjoy the view. Another good deed on a Jetstar flight, though in fairness, the ignorant little bastard was practically climbing over me already to try to see anyway, so it made sense for everyone.
24. Sydney-Singapore (British Airways): After all the fun I had arriving in Australia with BA and their ‘we’ll go on strike if you don’t treat us better’ cabin crew, imagine my delight upon arrival at Sydney Kingsford-Smith to find my Qantas codeshare flight was once again operated by Britain’s flag carrier. At least this time my in-flight entertainment system worked and I got the dinner I wanted, but my opinion of the airline was permanently soured by now
25. Singapore-Heathrow (British Airways): another inexplicably short fuel-stop, where you get off the plane, have maybe five minutes to use a better toilet, then queue at your departure gate, go through security to get on the plane you just disembarked from, and reboard the aircraft. There has to be a better solution to that…
26. Heathrow-Edinburgh (British Airways): Had to go through security twice in two different terminals, but not through passport control. Heathrow moves in mysterious ways. The BA breakfast on the morning flight was as good as last time, but nothing was going to make up for that nightmare outbound journey.
Gill 9A 